I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Friday, 29 April 2016

Exercise the body or the mind?

Do all people who do minimal exercise and no exercise that increases their heart rate have back ache? By that, is my back pain due to not doing any exercise. I mean I walk the dog and have three young kids. I average 7,000-10,000 steps a day. I bend down and stretch quite a bit throughout the day but I don't do 'fast' exercise. 

I'm loathe to say I don't do *any* exercise since I have three kids. You know? I don't sit on my arse all day tapping at a computer screen and not moving unless it's to pee or to eat until home time. I'm moving a LOT. Just not 'exercise'. 

I used to do more before the pain or maybe I starting doing less because of the pain. I can't remember. I've lived with growing pain for over ten years.  I've managed it. I've done stuff!! Pain started before marriage and kids before anyone makes that joke. (which isn't that funny to me) I've had three kids. I've found my dream home. I've lived my life. I'm still living it, sort of.  

I'm seeing an osteopath regularly again and yet I'm still in pain. I've changed my way of eating. I think it's pretty clean now, I'm fairly sure I don't eat any processed food. I don't eat wheat. I don't eat sugar. I'm no longer active diabetic. I've stopped all diabetes medicine. I've started turmeric. I use Epsom salts. 

Does everyone who doesn't 'do exercise' have back ache?

Maybe it's emotional. 

Does everyone who has unresolved life issues, (who doesn't!) has lived an interesting life, with a few scrapes and bumps along the way and who may or may not have a few deep dark secrets (come on who doesn't!) and is trying to deal with them have chronic pain?

I've started a Pilates class. The teacher sees my pain and doesn't want me to continue until she hears from my doctor or my osteopath recommending (or perhaps absolving) Pilates. I'm disappointed. I've heard good things about Pilates. It was at a time I could make. It fitted into my hectic life. I'm sure the doctor and the osteopath would highly recommend it, I'm slightly perturbed that she wouldn't. 

I just feel I'm getting slower and doddier and in more pain as time goes on. I'm not getting any younger. 

This feels a very indulgent post. Lots of me's and I've's. Physical pain really sucks and yet others have WAY worse physical pain and shitty stuff going on in their lives but still. It's constant. It's tiring. 

I'm guessing this is why I haven't written anything for so long. It always comes back to my pain. Booooooooooooring. 

Meltdowns - if all three fighting and someone inevitably getting hurt and becoming inconsolable counts as meltdowns 
Losing the Plot - maybe it's in the bread bin
Breastfeeding- working again

Friday, 5 February 2016

She's Just The Mum

I really can't deal with being The Mum. I keep thinking someone is going to come along and be The Mum. I feel a lot of dread when someone calls for The Mum, I wonder if I can get away without being The Mum, if I could just fade into the mess and disappear. I want to crawl in a hole and let someone else have a shot at being her.  Someone who can do all those things The Mum does. 

It's never been quite so bad as just now and what makes it worse is how acutely aware I am that no one is coming. I really am The Mum to these kids. 

And even though I'm doing a terrible job of it, all they have is me and guess what, It'll have to do for now.

Meltdowns - not feeling well so thankfully minimal 
Losing the plot - long gone
Breastfeeding - even being reminded of our hard beginning hasn't made me yearn for longer, so I know I'm ready any time, soon preferably. 

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Believe the impossible

Is it possible to have a breakdown whilst still accomplishing things...like getting kids to school almost on time and feeding kids..almost nutritious food?  That's the extent of my parental involvement at the moment.  The rest of the time I sleep. Or lie down. Sometimes the dog gets walked too. 

I know, well I hope, this pain is going to eventually settle down and return to the normal everyday chronic lower back pain levels that I was managing and living with before the accident.  There may even be a possibility the old pain could be lessened. 

I know I have been able to manage my previous pain and live a relatively normal life, knowing my limitation and abilities. Sometimes that was shovelling an entire driveways worth of red stones and sometimes that was getting everyone out the house in the morning. 

I know that if I had to, I could learn to live with this new level of pain. I'm already trying to reduce my pain meds. I'm thinking of a plan to increase how far I can walk with the dog before it gets too much. At the moment I'm not even managing every day. 

I'm really tired and fed up of being in pain just now. It's exhausting. I know it won't last forever. Although sometimes it's just really hard to imagine given that I've already had other chronic pain for pretty much ten years of my life. 

That's another thing, being positive is also really exhausting. Believing things will all work out beautifully. It makes me a grumpyarse. All my strength is going towards healing and all that entails physically and emotionally which makes me impatient and grumpy and exasperated. As ever, my family suffers. 

I know no one died. I know we were so bloody lucky. I shudder with thankfulness every day that I was on my own in the car. 

Still, I'm not a happy camper right now and living with pain is a total fuckitybuggerbolloky head and body fuck. 

Meltdowns - I didn't hear you from all the way up here in my bed almost asleep. I'm sorry you were left alone to go to the toilet yourself. I'm happy you managed it. SEE I *knew* she bloody could!
Losing the Plot - if I had the energy. 
Breastfeeding - despite earlier predictions, this girl is not for turning. There is definitely less coming out and so feeds are shorter which I can handle just now.  

Sunday, 3 January 2016

3,324 consecutive days...that's how long I have been feeding my babies!

I think my breastfeeding days could be over. I have been breastfeeding non stop for 9yrs. I tandem fed my eldest when they were younger and have been feeding Millie for 3yrs 8months. 

Tonight at bedtime I was consciously thinking this could be our last feed I better get off my phone and remember it!! This is a big moment. 

I looked at her face, I felt her hair and I thought how weird it was that hubby showed me a video this evening that he coincidentally came across, of one of Millie's first feeds. The one from when she had tongue tie and kept falling off, the one where she was SO upset and hungry and unable to get any milk. It was difficult to watch. She was so tiny and red from crying and she looked so thin. I remembered the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness. I couldn't finish watching it. 

Now here I am watching her possible last feed ever.

She hasn't been able to get milk from the right side for a few days and not as much from left either. I suspect the pain medication has been messing about with my production. I know we could get push through it and I could produce more and she would persevere but.......

I have decided to go away for a couple of days to my friends. I think, by the time I am back my milk will be gone. 

I finally made the decision. I have decided that she will cope with me being away. I decided that I need to get away and properly have a break.  I decided that she will manage. She will manage throughout the day without her morning wake up milk and without her midday connection milk and without her early evening tired but not ready for bed comfort milk and without her bedtime milk. 

I know she has managed without some of those milk times but she has never had to manage without ANY of them. 

I can feel myself talking myself out of it as I write this and the fact that she came to me tonight and gave me the biggest hug ever and I thought 'oh my G-d I can't leave this incredibly scrummylicious baby' and also the fact that as I was trying to get her to bed hubby turned up to help as it had been an hour already and she said to him 'I miss mummy she's going away'. Oh dear G-d she misses me already and I'm sitting right beside her. I can't do this. How can I leave her?

An hour later and she is finally asleep after shouting for me for ten minutes after discussing all the things she will be doing with hubby and the girls for 50mins!!

Another hour later and we are now trying to get the girls to bed. They are wild tonight and giggly and not listening. Its going to end in disaster. It's 10pm. I'm tired.  My resolve is getting stronger. I'm pretty sure I will be going. 

Eldest and hubby get into a fight. She's bawling. He's shouting. He turns to me and says I've changed my mind (meaning don't go!!)

I need this. Hubby is off work so it works. 

He can go away at the weekend if he wants. It's only fair. 

So after 9yrs of near 24/7 parenting I am having a real honest to goodness two over nighters!! It's almost surreal. 

The decision is made. We will all manage!! 

Meltdowns - random and loud
Losing the plot - mainly over dishes left everywhere
Breastfeeding - I'm pretty sure it's over and I feel ok about that. Well ok at the moment, since it hasn't happened and she will want morning milk and afternoon milk tomorrow anyway, which I'd forgotten about!!

Saturday, 21 November 2015

Story of my life...


And we all know what I mean when I say doing stuff!! The kind of stuff where you just know you are thinking 'thank G-d it's not my kids'. Yup. Those are my kids. Thank them, if you get the chance, for taking the pressure off your day for a brief moment and feeling like your day is manageable. I reckon I'm performing a public service for parents everywhere taking my kids out in public!!!


Friday, 20 November 2015

Food it's not fun yet

I'm all in a food kerfuffle. Have any of you heard about the spit test for thrush? I have no vaginal symptoms but itchy feet and majorly itchy scalp. The woman who did my colonic last Saturday told me about the spit test. Morning spit in water if it starts to streak down you have thrush....

...does everyone have yeast and some have an overgrowth and a problem?

I have basically for the last month stopped carbs (bread, rice, pasta etc) and of course refined sugar since May. 

The thrush diet is no mushrooms quorn dairy sugar so I would have nothing left to eat!! 

I basically am only eating protein dairy and fat just now and creamy mushrooms!!

I wish I wasn't so easily influenced by all the sensible sounding ways of eating.  

I've lost a stone which is great and my blood sugars are steadily lowering and remaining in the diabetic safe zone most of the time  (except for times of mega stress). I've reduced my medication back to two tablets a day. Sometimes only one if I forget!

It's been hard but I've kept at it. I'm still feeling tired but definitely not as much. Still getting mood swings but not nearly as bad. 

I feel obsessed with food again, a place I hate being in. Some days I get so overwhelmed with the thought of what to eat, how many carbs are in things, how many have I had, what's the weight of this, what's the percentage of that and the whole cooking thing that I end up not eating or eating late or just having Greek yoghurt and raspberries. As you all know numbers are not my strong point. 

My sister has gone all gung-ho with the low carb practically no carb diet after finding a knowledgeable woman called Mary Kemp who says diabetes can be reversed with a proper diet and she's finding it so easy and lost loads of weight and keeps her blood sugars in check really well. She can't understand why I'm not finding it as easy as her. She's not very tolerant of weakness. She was only pre diabetic and not on meds so is closer to maintaining than I am. 

Basically I'm not feeling great about the whole food and health thing again. And now this thrush protocol. 

I'm too scared to talk to my doc because NHS guidelines recommend at least 3 times the amount of carbs and say bread rice pasta etc is all ok as long as brown or wholewheat or whatever. And the diabetic nurse already said u was making things complicated and the group diabetes session basically recommends eating things that are 5g or less. 

No carb totally makes sense and I'm doing it its just that I think I'm blocked mentally somehow or worried I'm making things worse or something. Something is not allowing me to just get on. 

Sorry for ramble. 

Meltdowns - had quite a lot of 'I hate you' from 8yr old
Losing the plot - beyond exasperated 
Breastfeeding - yes. Still.