I want to be that mother who can stand up and say I am a strong confident mother and I know what is best for my children. We breastfeed and co sleep, We listen, We include, We eat chocolate and snot smoothies, we trampoline and grow frogs, we sling, we carry and we try and understand and work with our children without resorting to punishments, threats or coercion.

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

Love the crazy mean people again

I have this massive almost sometimes debilitating fear that people I dont know very well, but see almost daily (so IRL...in real life) don't like me and that I have done something to upset them and then I have this GREAT urge to talk to the person, apologise for anything I have ever said or done or thought incase I did, say or think something that might have upset them.  It's a vibe I get....you know you can just tell....stink eye.

Then I go through phases of thinking fuck it who cares. It's their issue with whatever I was saying. Transference, it's about something else. We all live differently. I've got nothing to apologise for...it's me not them. 

Then I don't want to be thought of as someone who hurts other people's feelings. I don't like it when it happens to me.

Why do I have this need for people I hardly know to like me? I'm already stressing about the people I do know and wether I've upset them in any way...I don't need it with strangers!!!!

I think I'm basically top of the needy chain..but I'm not sure what I need. It's not a comfortable place to be.

I don't want my kids growing up feeling like they need to apologise for themselves all the time. Like they might have done something wrong for having a different way of looking at life. I want them to feel freer and happier with who they are and be around people who are kind and understanding. I want them to feel confident and happy with who they are but not in a mean way.

I try to be that for them but I know they are learning meanness from me because some days it's not easy and some days I am mean to them. Hopefully they are also learning how to apologise and know when to.

I tell my kids that consistently grown up mean people sometimes didn't have enough love around them growing up and probably just need a hug from their mummy or daddy. People who are sometimes mean are maybe having a hard time at home or they are tired or hungry. I try to help them understand it from their side and hopefully that's helping them not feel it's their fault all the time. Sometimes it is....believe me sometimes it is their bloody inconsiderate unhelpful ungrateful fault!!!

Sometimes I say they weren't breastfed as a baby..you know, cos I like being controversial... 😜

Love the crazy mean people. I'm one of them sometimes. Love me. Love me. Love me. Like me? Ok just be civil to me at the very least. It must be exhausting giving me your negative vibes all the time.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Take a big big picture

Millie has sweets
She gave some to Ellie and Maia
She gave one to me and wanted to see it get small from sucking. I didn't know and when she came back in to see mine I told her it was finished. She went back in the other room and took one of the sweets she had given to Ellie previously in order to give it to me.

We felt Ellie should have understood that Millie was only wanting to make me happy and play a game with mummy and we surmised that Millie thought that since she had given Ellie a few, taking one wouldn't be a major problem especially since it was for mummy.

Ellie didn't. She completely freaked out at the injustice of Millie not asking for the sweet and she was so fixated on that part that we couldn't help her see why Millie had perhaps thought it was ok to take a sweet.

We explained to Millie that she should have asked Ellie.

No matter how we tried to explain it to Ellie she couldn't see past the initial injustice. Millie shouldn't have taken the sweet and that was that.

My hubby is a lawyer and he often says to his clients sometimes you need to see the bigger picture and that sometimes you need to look past your full legal rights.

A long time ago we discussed present giving.  The consensus on taking back a present because you've changed your mind was, that at that young age it was better for them to learn about compassion and make an allowance for the fact that the present giver is allowed to change their mind and that it's ok to. We felt that sometimes kids give things to their friends in the heat of the moment for the right reasons and regret it later. (They can also give things for wrong reasons, because they think thats how to gain affection. That's a different matter though!) 

Sometimes you need to see the good in people and not always think you are being wronged.

It also helps to see the bigger picture to help everyone to be happy (or at least fairly happy) with the overall outcome instead of one very happy winner and one very unhappy loser.

Sibling navigation is tricky.

Thursday, 15 September 2016

Consent is not required

I'm a good person. I'm a nice person.  I'm an interesting person and I'm a fun person. I am also a principled person and when someone else tells me to temper myself and not be myself then it makes me want to be myself more. I don't like being told what to do. I especially don't like people telling me what to do with my kids. I absolutely abhor this one size fits all society we are being boxed in to. This 'you must do it this way because it's been deemed better for you.'

I still labour under the illusion that I have the right to choose what is best for my family. It's not like my girls are neglected or abused. It's not like I am damaging their health. On the contrary, the amount of chemicals that 'the mainstream' are finally realising causes health problems makes me know in my heart why I live my life the way I do. There are enough toxins in the air that I can't do anything about, without deliberately and consciously ingesting others.

So the issue for me is that the nursery are saying they can't use the toothpaste I provide because the government says there has to be a certain level of flouride in the paste. They will of course speak to the department that runs the toothbrushing initiative but surely it is better to brush than not at all. Not to mention the exclusion and singling out of my child when everyone else is brushing.

The most worrying aspect for me though is actually the wording at the top of the letter. It states:-
"Starting from Academic Year 2016/2017 Consent for tooth brushing is no longer required."
With a capital C for consent, just to drive home the power.

You may think I am reading too much into things. You may think I am over analysing. Yet it always starts with the small things and before you know it, the next letter you receive about your children and your life could read....
"Consent is no longer required."

If I become known as the crazy parent because I am always questioning and pushing the boundaries of what is acceptable to foist on to my girls then so be it.

This isn't my first rodeo. I have been advocating for my girls rights since before they were born and I am not about to stop now. Complacency is not an option for me and my family.


"First they came for their clothes, eroded their identity and stifled their individuality. 
Then they came for their teeth, infused them with neurotoxins and told them to swallow.  
Then they came for their immunity, injected them with poison and made millions. 
Then they came for their minds, censored their brains and conformed their bodies. 
Then they came for me but I had nothing left to give."

You get the picture.......is it sinking in yet????

Meltdowns - ALWAYS after swimming 
Losing the Plot - perhaps 
Breastfeeding - nearing the end of our journey :(

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Time Time Time See What's Become of Me

This is it. I think this is really it.  For the first time in......I think forever......I am going to be getting a regular me time, by that I mean substantial weekly time, not a here and there few hours ( I hear the 5minuters stabbing me right now) where there isn't enough time to decide what to do before *poof* my ability to think and speak and walk and talk and feed and clean and move ANY way I want and not even ALL at the same time......is gone!!

When the girls were maybe about 2yrs-3yrs old, I remember reading someone's post along the lines of ... even  if they managed to sneak off and lie face down on the bed for even 5 minutes they considered it me time.....I decided to try it. I knew then, I was in for a long long long slog.

I may no longer be a 5minuter but I really believe you truly don't appreciate that consecutive head space of tranquillity until you become a mum. That ability to have a clear unfettered thought and choose to do whatever you want, whenever, knowing you will probably  still have time to do a few necessities, because, really,  who wants to be doing dishes and washing and ridiculous things like making food when there is  S P A C E   B E T W E E N   T H E   M O M E N T S.

This concept of me time is interesting. It's different things for different people but realistically, Yeeeees, I know I am meant to be feelzin' my moments.....mindfullnessing the green out of my grass, breathing my core to the top of the middle... but sometimes, as I am sure you are aware there just isn't time to do anything meaningfully worthy to be considered (charging self) me time when you have young kids. By the way, this increases exponentially the more kids you have.

But, I can hardly believe it.

It's good to just be able to slowly and deeply breathe in and out without interruption.
It's good having time to get past that shitty guilty stage of 'there are things that need doing, I can't really literally do nothing and get away with it' and be also able to actually literally do nothing. Its hard for me to actually do nothing for very long unless I am asleep, even then I am still moving around. Today I lay for about ten minutes and tensed and relaxed every muscle. I may even do it again because I will  have time!!

It's good not to be thinking I don't know what to do first, there is so much to do, I don't know where to start AND I need to do this me time thingy for me too and to not feel immobilized by how much there is to do that by the time I get my shit together it's too late and I've got very little done.
So far today, FOR ME, I have been swimming and tensed and relaxed my whole body for ten minutes and I still have a couple of hours left!!

It's good to not be thinking oh crap they are nearly home...did I do anything relaxing and meaningful, did I do what I needed to do, do I have time to........before.....with that one glorious rumble of stones on the drive way...with that slam of the door, with that jangle of the key in the lock....my whole world explodes into chaos and loudness and movement and neediness and...well......and life!!

I am giddy with possibilties!! Fortunately the internet is broken or I would have binge watched Gilmour Girls for sure! This way I've started as I mean to go on....there *will* be binge watching but this way has given me a chance to see other possibilties and to switch my body and brain off for 10 minutes of emptiness.

To all my 5minuter and 30mins and few hourers friends....your time will come. Hang in there or faceplant on the bed for 5 minutes more.........maybe call me and I'll help you get some head space....give me a wee chance though just to enjoy mine!!

Meltdowns - don't know I'm not with them!!
Losing the Plot - not likely, unless it a house DIY freak out
Breastfeeding - later

Friday, 29 April 2016

Exercise the body or the mind?

Do all people who do minimal exercise and no exercise that increases their heart rate have back ache? By that, is my back pain due to not doing any exercise. I mean I walk the dog and have three young kids. I average 7,000-10,000 steps a day. I bend down and stretch quite a bit throughout the day but I don't do 'fast' exercise. 

I'm loathe to say I don't do *any* exercise since I have three kids. You know? I don't sit on my arse all day tapping at a computer screen and not moving unless it's to pee or to eat until home time. I'm moving a LOT. Just not 'exercise'. 

I used to do more before the pain or maybe I starting doing less because of the pain. I can't remember. I've lived with growing pain for over ten years.  I've managed it. I've done stuff!! Pain started before marriage and kids before anyone makes that joke. (which isn't that funny to me) I've had three kids. I've found my dream home. I've lived my life. I'm still living it, sort of.  

I'm seeing an osteopath regularly again and yet I'm still in pain. I've changed my way of eating. I think it's pretty clean now, I'm fairly sure I don't eat any processed food. I don't eat wheat. I don't eat sugar. I'm no longer active diabetic. I've stopped all diabetes medicine. I've started turmeric. I use Epsom salts. 

Does everyone who doesn't 'do exercise' have back ache?

Maybe it's emotional. 

Does everyone who has unresolved life issues, (who doesn't!) has lived an interesting life, with a few scrapes and bumps along the way and who may or may not have a few deep dark secrets (come on who doesn't!) and is trying to deal with them have chronic pain?

I've started a Pilates class. The teacher sees my pain and doesn't want me to continue until she hears from my doctor or my osteopath recommending (or perhaps absolving) Pilates. I'm disappointed. I've heard good things about Pilates. It was at a time I could make. It fitted into my hectic life. I'm sure the doctor and the osteopath would highly recommend it, I'm slightly perturbed that she wouldn't. 

I just feel I'm getting slower and doddier and in more pain as time goes on. I'm not getting any younger. 

This feels a very indulgent post. Lots of me's and I've's. Physical pain really sucks and yet others have WAY worse physical pain and shitty stuff going on in their lives but still. It's constant. It's tiring. 

I'm guessing this is why I haven't written anything for so long. It always comes back to my pain. Booooooooooooring. 

Meltdowns - if all three fighting and someone inevitably getting hurt and becoming inconsolable counts as meltdowns 
Losing the Plot - maybe it's in the bread bin
Breastfeeding- working again

Friday, 5 February 2016

She's Just The Mum

I really can't deal with being The Mum. I keep thinking someone is going to come along and be The Mum. I feel a lot of dread when someone calls for The Mum, I wonder if I can get away without being The Mum, if I could just fade into the mess and disappear. I want to crawl in a hole and let someone else have a shot at being her.  Someone who can do all those things The Mum does. 

It's never been quite so bad as just now and what makes it worse is how acutely aware I am that no one is coming. I really am The Mum to these kids. 

And even though I'm doing a terrible job of it, all they have is me and guess what, It'll have to do for now.

Meltdowns - not feeling well so thankfully minimal 
Losing the plot - long gone
Breastfeeding - even being reminded of our hard beginning hasn't made me yearn for longer, so I know I'm ready any time, soon preferably.